Love is...

Love is your sweetheart of ten months calling you at work and saying he has orders to Japan so we have to get married next week, and you say OKAY.  Love is speeding through your French final to catch a flight to Virginia and marry your Marine at a courthouse gazebo in a cocktail dress in the pouring rain.  Love is flying by yourself to a foreign country for the first time to create a home with your love in Okinawa, Japan.  Love is smiling prettily two months later as your spouse gets back on the plain to spend the next 7 months in Afghanistan, leaving you basically stranding on an island.   I did my best while he was away to create a wonderful life for us; I explored the island, found a wonderful church family, created many friendships and met my “deployment wife” who is still my dearest friend today.  I thought my deployment wife’s husband sounded like a perfect man crush for my hubby. When they both returned home from war they become such good friends it was almost disturbing.  I felt like there was NO doubting it, I loved my man.  But I really struggled always treated him that way.  Please don’t misunderstand me, I have always been a pretty great wife and I do not at all mind bragging about it.  If you asked any of my friends they would tell you that I am a pretty darn good wife.  I let him do more than any other wife allows, I baked delicious treats almost every week, I make scrumptious dinners and my lingerie drawer is quite impressive.  But I still felt SO flawed and wanted to be even better. I tried and tried and read book after book but there was something that felt like it just was not clicking, that something that would make me, and us, even better. 

Everyone has heard the verses 1 Corinthians 13:4-7.  Yes, you know the ones I am talking about; the one that is read at a countless amount of weddings, receptions, and engagement parties.  “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”  I do not know about you but I usually zone out after “love is pai”…insert visual mental distraction.  I tend to envision myself as a graceful ballerina.  It is such a beautiful scripture but let’s be honest: love is MESSY.  For a long time this scripture was just a painful reminder of how often I fail to be that perfect love for my spouse.  Am I always patient, kind, honoring?  We BOTH know the answer to that question.  

One of the best things I EVER did was write out how I view God.  I wrote everything down and of course started with great adjectives like good, almighty, truth, perfect.  I wrote everything that popped into my mind until I had completely drained every thought out and as I got toward the end of my page more not so great adjective snuck in there like judging, fair-weather, high expectations, and disappointed.   As I looked back over my page I noticed that in the beginning I wrote all the things I “know” God is or at least all the things that I am told God is.  But as I continued to read the truth of how I viewed him seeped through and I realized that I was attaching how I viewed someone in my life to how I view God.  I was attaching human flaws to my God; how terribly sad.  I had yet to fully grasp God’s love for me.  That scripture is God’s love for me. God is patient with me.  God is kind to me.  God protects me.  God is not easily angered and does NOT keep record of wrongs.  What??? Nope I heard right: God does not keep record of my wrongs.  There is not a tally board in heaven with my name on it full of good and bad marks.  Romans 4:8 says “Blessed is the one whose sin the Lord will never count against them.”  

How beautiful that sounds to me.  All that pressure to be perfect is lifted and I feel like I can make imperfect progress with God and not beat myself up every single time I fail.  I am human and I will fail, over and over again.  But I will also grow and God will refine me.  HE knows I am going to slip up sometimes and forgives me every single time and does not count them against me.  WOW that is amazing love and grace.  Now when I read 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7 I do not feel bad about all the times I fail; instead I feel SO blessed and loved because THAT is how God loves me!!!  And being able to fully embrace God’s love for me as opened my heart to be a better lover to my spouse.  For my husband and I, love is still messy and so imperfect.  But now instead of turning toward a scripture that I feel like I can never live up to, I look to God and all his love and grace for me.  My heaven father, he is love.  He is not expected me to be absolutely perfect and not ever mess up.  And if God doesn’t expect me to be perfect than WHY was I putting that expectation on myself and my spouse??? I have a heart for God and believe Him; I will always continue trying to be more righteous in his eyes.  And my husband? He has a heart for God and for me and he is continually trying to be a better husband. <3 That overwhelms my heart with joy.   

- when I was crazy

I am not even really sure how to begin this post. Honestly because the topic I want to discuss is still a work in progress and probably always will be. I have been reading Made to Crave by Lysa Terkheurst for Proverbs 31 Ministry's online bible study and one of this weeks topics was about letting insecurities push you into crazy cycles. 

..... You know you've been there. A LOT. 

There are so many examples I could pull from but the best example I can give comes from the most tender part: my marriage.  

I am a military wife.  (oorah)  Our lives have always been either a little crazy or a lot crazy, but always blessed.  I am sure there are a lot of military spouses out there that know exactly where I will be going with this. That reoccurring feeling of "he doesn't love me enough."  

My love has been away half of our marriage. I am not being dramatic or exaggerating. As of this month, we have official been together ONE month more over the past five years than we have been apart. We have always lived this way.  He is in this country or that country doing this and that and those things.  Or we are in the same country and he is working until 7-8-9 o'clock and having to go in on the weekends and holidays.  In the civilian world such a work schedule screams "affair" and "he doesn't love you."   

Of COURSE I was filled with insecurities.  So much that I started working out even more and lost weight when I really should have been gaining it.  I tried to quickly fix any little thing he complained about.  I had dreams that he would come home and say "I don't love you anymore" because after all there was next to zero time for us and his behavior was much less than doting so how could he still love me?  I could fill pages and pages with examples that told me he didn't.  

Eventually all those moments would add up:  all the questions, all the insecurities, every moment I felt unloved and unwanted.  Those moments would add up and begin to eat at me. He would be away again and then finally come home just to spend the next few weeks on the couch watching that big glowing rectangle. I would attempt discussing needs and desires only to be brushed off.  After playing this scenario on repeat and being turned down at every offer to spend quality time together I would just snap. I mean complete hysterical meltdown. 

After the tears dried up I would feel absolutely terrible.  In my mind everything was my fault. I wasn't "something" enough or he would "insert desire."  I wasn't pretty enough or he would look at me. I wasn't smart and interesting enough or he would talk to me.  I wasn't perfect enough or he would love me more, and he would call me or write to me when he is away. There were a lot of various words I inserted into those quotation marks. 

I cannot tell you how many times I've fallen into this hole.  I want to say satan's trap but unfortunately I do have a lot of ground to stand on. I was never making it up in my head but I should have never blamed myself.  I was beautiful inside and out, and smart, and interesting, and loved my many people.  Finally I accepted myself for who I was and found out that I was awesome! And needed to gain a few pounds.

Although much has greatly improved my marriage is still less than perfect. We have moved forward but after so much time my little heart is scarred and skeptical.  I've built walls that are very slowly coming down.  But I can say this: my insecurities never ever helped the situation.  Insecurities fueled the fire of doubt and blinded my eyes from seeing the real issues.  I now allow my emotions to show me that there is a problem without letting them dictate my life and question my self worth.  I cannot tell you enough how freeing that is!  The crazy cycles are gone: I am a free and beautiful child of God.

       *quality time at a baseball game*