- when I was crazy

I am not even really sure how to begin this post. Honestly because the topic I want to discuss is still a work in progress and probably always will be. I have been reading Made to Crave by Lysa Terkheurst for Proverbs 31 Ministry's online bible study and one of this weeks topics was about letting insecurities push you into crazy cycles. 

..... You know you've been there. A LOT. 

There are so many examples I could pull from but the best example I can give comes from the most tender part: my marriage.  

I am a military wife.  (oorah)  Our lives have always been either a little crazy or a lot crazy, but always blessed.  I am sure there are a lot of military spouses out there that know exactly where I will be going with this. That reoccurring feeling of "he doesn't love me enough."  

My love has been away half of our marriage. I am not being dramatic or exaggerating. As of this month, we have official been together ONE month more over the past five years than we have been apart. We have always lived this way.  He is in this country or that country doing this and that and those things.  Or we are in the same country and he is working until 7-8-9 o'clock and having to go in on the weekends and holidays.  In the civilian world such a work schedule screams "affair" and "he doesn't love you."   

Of COURSE I was filled with insecurities.  So much that I started working out even more and lost weight when I really should have been gaining it.  I tried to quickly fix any little thing he complained about.  I had dreams that he would come home and say "I don't love you anymore" because after all there was next to zero time for us and his behavior was much less than doting so how could he still love me?  I could fill pages and pages with examples that told me he didn't.  

Eventually all those moments would add up:  all the questions, all the insecurities, every moment I felt unloved and unwanted.  Those moments would add up and begin to eat at me. He would be away again and then finally come home just to spend the next few weeks on the couch watching that big glowing rectangle. I would attempt discussing needs and desires only to be brushed off.  After playing this scenario on repeat and being turned down at every offer to spend quality time together I would just snap. I mean complete hysterical meltdown. 

After the tears dried up I would feel absolutely terrible.  In my mind everything was my fault. I wasn't "something" enough or he would "insert desire."  I wasn't pretty enough or he would look at me. I wasn't smart and interesting enough or he would talk to me.  I wasn't perfect enough or he would love me more, and he would call me or write to me when he is away. There were a lot of various words I inserted into those quotation marks. 

I cannot tell you how many times I've fallen into this hole.  I want to say satan's trap but unfortunately I do have a lot of ground to stand on. I was never making it up in my head but I should have never blamed myself.  I was beautiful inside and out, and smart, and interesting, and loved my many people.  Finally I accepted myself for who I was and found out that I was awesome! And needed to gain a few pounds.

Although much has greatly improved my marriage is still less than perfect. We have moved forward but after so much time my little heart is scarred and skeptical.  I've built walls that are very slowly coming down.  But I can say this: my insecurities never ever helped the situation.  Insecurities fueled the fire of doubt and blinded my eyes from seeing the real issues.  I now allow my emotions to show me that there is a problem without letting them dictate my life and question my self worth.  I cannot tell you enough how freeing that is!  The crazy cycles are gone: I am a free and beautiful child of God.

       *quality time at a baseball game*