Perspective

Just when I convince myself that this is going to be a season of life where I do not have a friend in the town I live in God has me meet a beautiful daughter of his who I could totally be friends with.  I met her today at chick-fil-a while our daughters played in the play place (yay).   She also happens to be a real estate agent and we were talking about the layout of a beautiful new white brick house. She brought up how the layout would not be the best for groceries. I nodded yes because she is absolutely right. The door from the garage does not open up right by the kitchen.  However this really is all about perspective isn't it?

I firmly believe that a lot of opinions are firmly affected by perspective and based by comparing something to what you know. For example one time I asked my Yankee friend about an American BBQ place while we lived in Okinawa and she said it was "really good."  She was not raised in the BBQ loving south and had not even heard of biscuits and gravy so I should have remained suspicious of the restaurant. I was actually surprised when the place was just mediocre.  I understand that her definition of really good BBQ and my definition of really good BBQ are just not the same.   It would do in a southern food craving attack but I would definitely not catagorize it as "really good." Of course I've had a lot of reaalllllyyy good BBQ in my life and came from a town that hosts a big BBQ on the River where hundreds of vendures show up to battle for the best BBQ awards.  Mmmmmhmm how far away is September? 

        The girls and I at the "really good" BBQ restaurant that we became super addicted to. The truly did have great fried okra and delicious macaroni and cheese. 

So sure, in my current rental the door to the garage gives me three steps from the door to the refrigerator which is super convenient. So compared to my current layout the other place is not super grocery convenient.  However if I had seen the layout of that house a year ago I would have thought it was amazingly convenient. My dear friends in Okinawa and I had quite the time getting our groceries from the car to the kitchen. In my last Okinawa home I walked at least 25 feet just to my front door with a new baby and an arm holding as many geoceries as absolutely possible. I laid everything by the front door, unlocked and opened the door, then placed all the bags inside in the foyer. If I had to make more trips I did until it was all in the foyer. Then I started making however many trips were necessary to take the groceries up the flight of staires, passed the small landing, up the next few stairs, through the hallway, and into the kitchen.  The goal of course was to get everything cold in the house up the stairs and in the refrigerator before the baby lost patience cuddled in her carrier.   Most of my friends had just as long of a walk, if not longer, to their building, an elevator ride up several stories then another long walk to their homes and kitchens.  If any of us had seen the layout of this new house we would have thought it was a perfect dream.  

          my marine carrying our baby

          showing approxately 30% of the walk just to the front door. 

I do firmly believe that a lot of opinions are really based on perspective and experiences.  The house my family is currently living in is actually the fourth home my husband and I have shared and this is the first one that was not painfully inconvenient for groceries. I can't just compare a maybe future to the now, I need to remember all my experiences and everything I've learned in the past.  

Thank you Heavenly Father for the experiences you have given me and for reminding me to stop and remember how those experiences have equipped me for the now, the future, and the perspective you want me to have. You are amazing, always good, and always faithful. 

game of life

An unsettled heart is such a dangerous thing.  Not being able to see the next few steps in God's perfect plan has my brain spinning.  I use to love the game of life. You just spin the dial and then follow the steps set out for you.  You go to college, find a job, marry, buy a house, fill the car with two babies, take vacations and eventually retire.  

Real life doesn't work that way.  Real life has different orders of events, student loans that need to be paid, jobs that could ask you to transfer states, states have different licensures, and housing markets are not always stable.  

My heart tells me that the time is coming to start working on my next step; the whatever it is I am suppose to be doing or working towards. Unfortunately I feel stuck between the rock and the hard place and should probably return to a life stage of being still with God.  But I do not want to stand still.  I want to move "forward" and everytime I figure a step out I hit a big stop sign. I shift and figure another step out but after a few steps forward hit a big stop sign again. Now I am at that point where I have to go left or right and if I move forward left and the future forward is meant to be right then I've potentially completely screwed up. Like majorly screwed up.

I feel frustrated with myself for not being more mentally prepared for the now. I know the answer to my problem is to just be still with God but I see these windows opening to the left and to the right and my heart believes the windows are opening for a reason. 

My Instagram feed is full of quotes about following your heart, do what you love, take the leap, be brave and bold and courage and so on and so on.  There is a BIG difference between being brave enough to do God's will and being stupid enough to pursue something not intended for us.   Jeremiah 17:9 tells us that "the human heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked, who can know it?" My heart has been peeking in the opening windows wondering which one I am suppose to pursue and really I want it all. I mean who doesn't want it all?  But I am not sure of any of them are meant for me. Maybe they are all there to throw me off and shake me up into this unsettled state. Who is to know?

Life is not always as clear and easy as a board game.

******Seriously, the day after I wrote this my husband came home with a big piece of information that I was hoping to know. It was not what I expected but God is so good and was so generous to show us another step forward. *******

Dresser Facelift

A few weeks ago the hubs and I found a perfectly decent dresser at a local thrift shop for $50.  The piece was a bit wobbly, missing a few drawer stoppers, and had been lightly spray painted black and blue; nothing we could not fix. 

We started by digging wood glue out of my craft box and generously applying it to the back edges in attempt to stabilize the piece.  I did not think that wood glue would fix the wobble but was pleasantly surprised at how sturdy the dresser was after the glue set.  My husband found spare wood in the garage from who knows where and sawed small wood rectangles to match the few drawer stops that were still attached to the dresser.   Each rectangle got a few dabs of wood glue and were clamped in their correct places.

As the hubs worked on all that I cleaned the piece up and battled it out with a spider.  The edges had a few dents here and there so I took a medium grade sander and cleaned the edges up.  There are a few deep dents that had to stay but that just adds character, right?

For this project I used Annie Sloan Chalk Paint in pure white and clear wax. This was my first chalk paint project and I am so sincerely impressed with the chalk paint.  There is very little smell, in fact I painted in the garage with the door closed and immediately realized that I could have just laid a sheet down and painted in the house.  Besides the creamy chalky look I just LOVE, the paint was easy to work with and dried unbelievably fast.  I applied a thin layer of chalk paint, let that set for 20 minutes, then applied a second thin layer.  I stepped away for a good hour to play with our daughter and returned to start waxing.  Not wanting to spend the money on the wax brush and not sure how much I will be painting, I decided against that purchase.  I had heard you could use cheese cloth or an old white t-shirt to wax so I just grabbed a few sheets of Voila paper towels.  I watched a tutorial on waxing with Annie Sloan wax before I got started and am SO glad I did to ensure that I was not using to much or too little wax.  To be on the safe side I did do a second layer of wax on the top and easily nicked areas.

I let the piece dry overnight in the garage to be on the safe side. I sanded the edges down lightly and put on the oil-ribbed bronze hardware my husband picked out at Lowe's.  Impatient, I moved the dresser to our bedroom by myself and beamed with pride at our accomplishment. 

The original dresser was $50 and we spent about the same amount in chalk paint and knobs.  The rest of the supplies we had on had so in the end the dresser cost us around $100 and a Saturday.  Not too shabby.

Love is...

Love is your sweetheart of ten months calling you at work and saying he has orders to Japan so we have to get married next week, and you say OKAY.  Love is speeding through your French final to catch a flight to Virginia and marry your Marine at a courthouse gazebo in a cocktail dress in the pouring rain.  Love is flying by yourself to a foreign country for the first time to create a home with your love in Okinawa, Japan.  Love is smiling prettily two months later as your spouse gets back on the plain to spend the next 7 months in Afghanistan, leaving you basically stranding on an island.   I did my best while he was away to create a wonderful life for us; I explored the island, found a wonderful church family, created many friendships and met my “deployment wife” who is still my dearest friend today.  I thought my deployment wife’s husband sounded like a perfect man crush for my hubby. When they both returned home from war they become such good friends it was almost disturbing.  I felt like there was NO doubting it, I loved my man.  But I really struggled always treated him that way.  Please don’t misunderstand me, I have always been a pretty great wife and I do not at all mind bragging about it.  If you asked any of my friends they would tell you that I am a pretty darn good wife.  I let him do more than any other wife allows, I baked delicious treats almost every week, I make scrumptious dinners and my lingerie drawer is quite impressive.  But I still felt SO flawed and wanted to be even better. I tried and tried and read book after book but there was something that felt like it just was not clicking, that something that would make me, and us, even better. 

Everyone has heard the verses 1 Corinthians 13:4-7.  Yes, you know the ones I am talking about; the one that is read at a countless amount of weddings, receptions, and engagement parties.  “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”  I do not know about you but I usually zone out after “love is pai”…insert visual mental distraction.  I tend to envision myself as a graceful ballerina.  It is such a beautiful scripture but let’s be honest: love is MESSY.  For a long time this scripture was just a painful reminder of how often I fail to be that perfect love for my spouse.  Am I always patient, kind, honoring?  We BOTH know the answer to that question.  

One of the best things I EVER did was write out how I view God.  I wrote everything down and of course started with great adjectives like good, almighty, truth, perfect.  I wrote everything that popped into my mind until I had completely drained every thought out and as I got toward the end of my page more not so great adjective snuck in there like judging, fair-weather, high expectations, and disappointed.   As I looked back over my page I noticed that in the beginning I wrote all the things I “know” God is or at least all the things that I am told God is.  But as I continued to read the truth of how I viewed him seeped through and I realized that I was attaching how I viewed someone in my life to how I view God.  I was attaching human flaws to my God; how terribly sad.  I had yet to fully grasp God’s love for me.  That scripture is God’s love for me. God is patient with me.  God is kind to me.  God protects me.  God is not easily angered and does NOT keep record of wrongs.  What??? Nope I heard right: God does not keep record of my wrongs.  There is not a tally board in heaven with my name on it full of good and bad marks.  Romans 4:8 says “Blessed is the one whose sin the Lord will never count against them.”  

How beautiful that sounds to me.  All that pressure to be perfect is lifted and I feel like I can make imperfect progress with God and not beat myself up every single time I fail.  I am human and I will fail, over and over again.  But I will also grow and God will refine me.  HE knows I am going to slip up sometimes and forgives me every single time and does not count them against me.  WOW that is amazing love and grace.  Now when I read 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7 I do not feel bad about all the times I fail; instead I feel SO blessed and loved because THAT is how God loves me!!!  And being able to fully embrace God’s love for me as opened my heart to be a better lover to my spouse.  For my husband and I, love is still messy and so imperfect.  But now instead of turning toward a scripture that I feel like I can never live up to, I look to God and all his love and grace for me.  My heaven father, he is love.  He is not expected me to be absolutely perfect and not ever mess up.  And if God doesn’t expect me to be perfect than WHY was I putting that expectation on myself and my spouse??? I have a heart for God and believe Him; I will always continue trying to be more righteous in his eyes.  And my husband? He has a heart for God and for me and he is continually trying to be a better husband. <3 That overwhelms my heart with joy.   

- when I was crazy

I am not even really sure how to begin this post. Honestly because the topic I want to discuss is still a work in progress and probably always will be. I have been reading Made to Crave by Lysa Terkheurst for Proverbs 31 Ministry's online bible study and one of this weeks topics was about letting insecurities push you into crazy cycles. 

..... You know you've been there. A LOT. 

There are so many examples I could pull from but the best example I can give comes from the most tender part: my marriage.  

I am a military wife.  (oorah)  Our lives have always been either a little crazy or a lot crazy, but always blessed.  I am sure there are a lot of military spouses out there that know exactly where I will be going with this. That reoccurring feeling of "he doesn't love me enough."  

My love has been away half of our marriage. I am not being dramatic or exaggerating. As of this month, we have official been together ONE month more over the past five years than we have been apart. We have always lived this way.  He is in this country or that country doing this and that and those things.  Or we are in the same country and he is working until 7-8-9 o'clock and having to go in on the weekends and holidays.  In the civilian world such a work schedule screams "affair" and "he doesn't love you."   

Of COURSE I was filled with insecurities.  So much that I started working out even more and lost weight when I really should have been gaining it.  I tried to quickly fix any little thing he complained about.  I had dreams that he would come home and say "I don't love you anymore" because after all there was next to zero time for us and his behavior was much less than doting so how could he still love me?  I could fill pages and pages with examples that told me he didn't.  

Eventually all those moments would add up:  all the questions, all the insecurities, every moment I felt unloved and unwanted.  Those moments would add up and begin to eat at me. He would be away again and then finally come home just to spend the next few weeks on the couch watching that big glowing rectangle. I would attempt discussing needs and desires only to be brushed off.  After playing this scenario on repeat and being turned down at every offer to spend quality time together I would just snap. I mean complete hysterical meltdown. 

After the tears dried up I would feel absolutely terrible.  In my mind everything was my fault. I wasn't "something" enough or he would "insert desire."  I wasn't pretty enough or he would look at me. I wasn't smart and interesting enough or he would talk to me.  I wasn't perfect enough or he would love me more, and he would call me or write to me when he is away. There were a lot of various words I inserted into those quotation marks. 

I cannot tell you how many times I've fallen into this hole.  I want to say satan's trap but unfortunately I do have a lot of ground to stand on. I was never making it up in my head but I should have never blamed myself.  I was beautiful inside and out, and smart, and interesting, and loved my many people.  Finally I accepted myself for who I was and found out that I was awesome! And needed to gain a few pounds.

Although much has greatly improved my marriage is still less than perfect. We have moved forward but after so much time my little heart is scarred and skeptical.  I've built walls that are very slowly coming down.  But I can say this: my insecurities never ever helped the situation.  Insecurities fueled the fire of doubt and blinded my eyes from seeing the real issues.  I now allow my emotions to show me that there is a problem without letting them dictate my life and question my self worth.  I cannot tell you enough how freeing that is!  The crazy cycles are gone: I am a free and beautiful child of God.

       *quality time at a baseball game*

Intention

Last night my love and I started talking about the different people that inspire us, what it is that they do/did, and how they started doing it.  We both agreed that each person lived their life intentionally and their story evolved over time. 

We also talked about how sad it was when some talk about a cetain time in their past as the best time that ever was or will be. My love and I certainly do not want to live that way, we want to keep looking ahead to all the wonderful plans God has for us. But that means that we have to really listen and believe God as well as live intentionally.

My love said,"you never go beyond the footprints that you make." 

And he is SO right! Miriam-Webster dictionary defines intention as determination to act in a certain way. Design is one of the synonyms but implies more of a "carefully calculated plan."  God designed us and carefully planned out an amazing purposefilled life for us. I want to be intentional about his plan. I want to be filled with determination to act according to God's design and not get distracted chasing satan's rabbit holes.  

^ I wrote the above portion of my post five days ago ^  The next morning my little love and I woke up sick. Not much has been accomplished this week and my only goal has been to be as happy and lazy as possible. I am now two days late on my bible study. My garbage disposal is apparently broken and there is a clog somewhere causing water to sit in both sides of my sink. My counters are littered with dirty dishes and my husband said I am not allowed to run the dishwasher. My voice is gone, my daughter is not sleeping well, and according to my last doctors visit I may be visiting a neurologist soon. 

So basically I feel very behind on my to-do list but all in all I have to accept the fact that I will not accomplish everything I want to each day. And that's okay! Because I live to the standard of GRACE, not perfection. <3 

my food confession

My BMI ranges during the month from 22 to 23, right in the healthy range.  I may not struggle with my weight but I have a HUGE food problem that I continually ignore:  I am lactose intolerant.  :(  Pout face because I do not like admitting it.  I do not like admitting it AT ALL and I even less so like living it.  Consuming anything dairy HURTS my stomach.  I do not mean little gas bubble, I mean sometimes almost to the point of fainting.  My stomach bloats terribly which makes me feel insecure.  And when I say bloat I mean my tummy is enviously flat and I decide to indulge in a super small bowl of home made macaroni and cheese as a side item and the next thing I know my stomach looks like I am 5 months pregnant and I feel like crap.  (This was before I had my little love baby, because lets be honest she is 18 months old now and my per-dairy stomach is still not flat anymore.)  One of my nearest and dearest friends has seen this happen so many times and  heard me complain after eating something dairy so many times that she will LITERALLY take cheese cubes out of my hand.  I have actually tried hiding one behind my back... she knew.  She even slapped my hand.  And you know what? I appreciated it.  She took responsibility for me when I would not. 

I constantly make excuses to eat the "handful" of dairy products that are on my "worth it" list.  Ready for it? Because I need to write it out for my own good.

 - Creamer in my morning coffee
- Evaporated Milk that is in that cappucino thing I have during little love's nap
- Macaroni and Cheese
-yoghurt
- ice cream
- grilled cheeses
- white gravy / biscuits n gravy / chicken in gravy  yes you can do the mix with water but it tastes better
-half and half in potato soup, chx enchilada soup, and chx pot pie
- butter on my cinnamon toast or biscuits
- sour cream on my chili, nachos, quesadilla
-cheesecake
- CHEESE  quesadilla, on chili, in soups, on potatoes, in pasta, in lasagna, on a burger, Parmesan on fries, feta on salads, the list goes on


^that list... that is me NOT trying to eat dairy.  I do not drink milk and I try to limit my weekly amount, but I still spend too much time in pain over dairy products.  WWWHHHHYYYYYY

Honestly? I make excuses. I tell myself that the taste is worth it.  Is it worth it? No.  But apparently my brain still thinks I am twenty years younger and cannot foresee the result of my actions.  I have rarely taken a stand and said enough is enough.  When those stands do take place they are quickly forgotten. The indulges start small but eventually turn into a average dairy eaters diet and I am left laying on the floor of my bathroom in tears because of the stabbing pains occurring in my body. 

As I was trying to fall asleep tonight the fact of my lactose intolerance came to the top of my brain and would not let me shove it back down.  I need to face the facts.  I am lactose intolerant.  Dairy products cause me pain.  I choose to eat dairy products and therefore I CHOOSE to cause myself pain. Those foods are NOT worth it and it NEEDS to stop.  No more excuses.  No more "worth it foods' or "just this one time" meals. 

Psalm 139:14 tells me that I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  God designed my body; I love my God and I love his design. Why is it then that I keep ignoring this part of his design?  1 Corinthians 6:19 says "Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own."  :( WHY do I keep hurting my temple? The sad part is that I always have answers. Because otherwise I eat very well.  I eat fruits and veggies, drink plenty of water, exercise not as much as I use to but run around playing with my little love a lot, my list goes on.  Somewhere along the way I decided that I was doing good enough.  But God does not just want good enough from us.  He wants the very best.  

* You're the cream in my coffee * my favorite morning treat * need a substitute *